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the onyx files 6th entry

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Q: Do you think the act of approaching a girl/woman during the day on the street, at Starbucks, the farmer's market, etc. in and of itself is attractive?  I mean hear me out... doing just THAT is not really socially acceptable because of our lame culture where everyone is sheltered 24/7 so if a guy can approach a girl and connect with her that's pretty hot no?
 
Probably the best relationships that I've ever heard have started by something like this rather than through friends or work or whatever.  My friend Steph LOVES telling people how she met her husband at a WholeFoods store and how he was so cool and was able to get her to commit to seeing him again just randomly like that haha.
 
I don't know what do you think?  Most guys I know whether they are really really handsome or not would NEVER approach a girl during the day most of them need a few beers or shots to do it at night even. 
 
From John
 
A:
My general answer is no it is not hot, and here's why...
I agree that our culture is sheltered in the sense that many people choose to live in ignorance and resultantly many things (including my profession) are looked down upon for being immoral. But that's not why it isn't hot to approach a woman in a place like Starbucks, the market, or the street. Generally speaking, people are typically going about their business with a lot on their minds in public places, and they have the right to do so uninterrupted. Speaking as a person who is typically on the receiving end of the daytime approach, I am rarely eager to answer a stranger's random personal questions about myself (which is typically the approach I get) because I just don't understand why they think they have the right to know this information. It's very invasive. That said, being open to accepting or delivering a polite decline for conversation makes this whole scenario tolerable. Let me elaborate: if someone tries to stop me on the street to ask me if my tattoos hurt or where I'm going, it wouldn't bother me if they respected my wishes when I said "I really don't feel like talking right now" or "that's really none of your business" rather than get angry or aggressive. What does bother me is when people are offended that I don't drop what I'm doing to acquiesce to what feels like their demand to know something about me. Men often follow me and / or call me names if I do not respond positively to their comments, and this happens to most other women that I know as well. I shouldn't even have to say and I'm sure a lot of guys would agree with me that this kind of sexism is totally unacceptable. 
 
This may sound harsh, but there is a long history to be aware of, wherein men have had the right to women's bodies, so it is actually a sensitive topic even for sexually evolved and open women like myself. Now there is obviously a difference between these two experiences I have had: 
1) I get about six feet from my front door at 9am and two guys having a coffee break at their cargo van stare at me while yelling to each other that "She probably sucks a great cock" 
2) In the cafe while I am grabbing a morning coffee: "I don't mean to bother you but you have very beautiful eyes"
One experience is totally dehumanizing and the other is potentially creepy but pleasant and would at least put a smile on my face.   What I am trying to get at here is that the way one approaches someone in public is of paramount importance. If it comes from a respectful place and it seems to me like you actually think I am a human being, I am much more likely to either politely decline or react positively. 
 
Your friend likely enjoys telling the story of how she met her husband because it is a rare occasion that his type of persistence is not taken as harassment. The story is somewhat funny and perhaps also ironic because he was actually being a creep and turned out to be her soulmate! 
 
Men unfortunately forget that most women live in fear of sexual assault, even in such a 'liberal' society as Canada. As terrible as it sounds, it is the truth, and the men that understand and remember this are usually the ones who get the approach right when they do build up the courage to approach a woman. It's true a lot of women enjoy a man who takes control in the bedroom, but that doesn't mean she wants a man to be aggressive toward her before she has had the opportunity to give her consent. 
 
Thanks for your question and keep 'em coming! 
 
 
Your Muse, 
 
Onyx

 

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