the onyx files 10th entry

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People often tell me that as you get older or at least as you progress through your 20s that looks,wealth,height etc.start to matter less in both MEN and WOMEN simply because its hard to find a true connection with someone so a lot of these other things start to matter less.  Do you find this to be true?  What is your opinion on this from a female's point of view as well as what you think generally?


All the best! 






Thanks John, this is an interesting topic! I want my response to start with an acknowledgement that our culture still presents sexuality very one dimensionally, and as such I think people continue to seek new sexual experiences with limited sexual maturity. I do think that people seek deeper connections as we age, one reason being that people have more depth to offer due to greater life experience. I believe that the more different experiences we have, the more interesting and complex people we become, which will inevitably impact who we are and how we behave in our relationships. I have also noticed that as we age, it seems to me we become better at compartmentalizing our relationships, which in turn allows us to carry on more at a time, and seek different satisfactions from each. Additionally to compartmentalization, as we learn what we need from a romantic partner, we tend to be able to evaluate relationship potential more quickly and perhaps take less chances. If I may use the wealth piece that you mentioned, I have a personal example to illustrate my point: I have never been concerned with wealth in the sense of social status. I have never worn brand name clothing or other status symbols and in general I have serious personal and political issues with the current capitalist system we live in. I see money as a necessary and rather annoying requirement for survival and feel no compulsion to display myself as high class or economic status to others. However, I will not even entertain the idea of getting into a cohabitation partnership with someone who spends all of their money and as such has no wealth. It doesn't mean that I would not date someone who could be categorized as poor or is bad with money, but the relationship could only go so deep, as I would refuse to financially merge with them in any way. I have now had enough experiences to develop strong beliefs about what my financial boundaries are, and as I mature I have less issues being forthright with people about this. So in a sense you could say that I do care about wealth in a partner, but  my refusal to be pulled into bad financial situations by someone whom I care about seems to me to exist beyond the superficial materialism to which wealth as a concept is often attached. So my point here is that yes, I agree with you that certain superficial valuations fade with age, however, our needs and the capability to assert them tend to become clearer to us over time. 

I would say that the biggest impediment to connections that we have as we age can be illustrated by my example above. Our experiences make us more complicated and within such complexities lie deep beliefs that can grow out of rational judgement but also from custom, habit, or tradition. I think one big reason for age-based shifts in how we do relationships can be attributed to the fact that most people experience at least one major heartbreak between the ages of 20 and 30, and everyone copes with and evolves from these experiences differently. Resultantly, these losses during our younger years will make some parts of us stronger and more resilient, but other parts fearful and perhaps unwilling to be vulnerable. 

So overall I would say that we do become pickier with romantic partners as we age, but have much greater chance of understanding and communicating our wants and needs (if we managed to take constructive lessons from our initial heartbreaks). I agree that we are less likely to find meaningful connections, but I don't think that it's as simple as people growing out of superficial values. I think it's because we become more complex, and have more needs for another person to meet so it gets tougher to get all of our needs met by one person! 


Your Muse, 



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